so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
