i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
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