Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
