just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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