and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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