I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
