Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
