I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
