We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
