I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
