Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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