I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize