At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
50% drunk capacity currently
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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