He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
