A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
