im drinking this country out of the recession.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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