life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
