i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize