i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
