So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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