she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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