My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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