I hope my margaritas pass through security.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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