Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize