onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
