i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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