At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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