I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i drank out of a bidet.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
