i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Dick very happy bro
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
