Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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