Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
