Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
