so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
