That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
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