just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
