I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
