I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
