I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
