Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
