I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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