You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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