Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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