I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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