Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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