remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
