Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
