best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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