Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
be right there i have to get my cape
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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