I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
