haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
