with your own penis?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
