When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
