I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
i've created a new STD.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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