everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize