she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
