Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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