U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Blow job season was short but glorious.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
