i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
