Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
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