in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i just sent this text using only my big toe
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
