my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
