A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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