Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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