i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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