Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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