conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
