Christians are straight up FREAKS
She is in my trunk
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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