I'm eating all of the evidence.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
