my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
