you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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