my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
