I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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