Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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