Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
